Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

Don’t frighten the programmers!

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.