Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

Basically.

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early

jeff bezos: moon’s unionized

nasa employee: what?

jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”