@bartandsoul

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

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@philyuck

my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples

@ColIegeStudent

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

@jjhartinger

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

@ohmygrapeness

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

@TweetsByKaylee

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

@reallifemommy3

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

@coolauntV

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that