Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
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hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.