Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

March 16

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

there’s music for literally every activity

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”