Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix and you sit over there.

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

Need this in my life lol

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

idk what this dog had been going through but same

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!

Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water