Don’t you hate it when you put a freshly baked pie on the windowsill to cool and a cartoon character steals it?

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wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids


13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go


Duck you AutoCorrect! You Blimb! I’m way more BadApps than you make me out to be! You Ducking piece of shed..BuckFace Toothless Bastilleday!


The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.


*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)


Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?


[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY


‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.


Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.


bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting