Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

I see your IQ test came back negative

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?