Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
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Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.