Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
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Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃