Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”