Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
You Might Also Like
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
*frowns in Scottish*
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.