Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

[halloween]

ME: nice costume. casanova?

HIM: guy fawkes

ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

Quadruple digit IQ

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.