Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
You Might Also Like
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
So inspired right now.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Tastes like chicken.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?