Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*

Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.

Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

🥲

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

I’m literally crying

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]