@TheBoydP

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

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@isabelzawtun

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

@clindsaysway

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

@Sean_Burgundy_

Her: I’m going to the gym

Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine

@StephenAtHome

If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.

@SweetVaBreezy

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

@TheAlexNevil

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

@SergioValenCo

Girls love when you hug them from behind and whisper sweet nothings in their ears. Strangers, not so much.

@cwhudson

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

@FunnyBison

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!