Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
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[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
mechanics be like
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.