Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
wut hotdog?
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
