Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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The morning after pill, but for tweets
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.