Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
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[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Mummies are just super modest zombies
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.