Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

me after i passed that state trooper

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.