Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
You Might Also Like
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers