Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.