Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
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caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I did not eat the cake…
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
This one’s “Alex”.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.