Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.