Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

Swedish for common sense.

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

got so much cardio in today

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!