“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
