My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
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[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Me, reading some of your tweets
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.