Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
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I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma