Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
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[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY