Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
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My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
guys i’ve cracked the code
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
very niche meme I made
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”