Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
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I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
The glockness monster
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?