Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
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Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
*launders Kohls cash*
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
