Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
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“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Skip intro
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Velcrow
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.