Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

Why is everyone getting married at me

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.

SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.