Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
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if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
2022 will be better than 2021
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*