Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
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I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”