Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

SONOFA

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

The prophecy is fulfilled

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn