Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

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Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”


Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.


Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..


I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.


son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!


The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.


“Haha, Imagine Dragons. What a dumb band name.”

-Neutral Milk Hotel fans


[introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”