Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
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Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
#MeanwhileInCanada
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.