@Jake_Vig
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
@shanethevein
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
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@Jake_Vig
@kimtopher22
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
@BevisSimpson
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
@ReactionBeyonce
Ellen degeneres, one of the greatest humans on earth
@JohnLyonTweets
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
@HenpeckedHal
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
@semple42
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
@gentilecoont
“Haha, Imagine Dragons. What a dumb band name.”
-Neutral Milk Hotel fans
@_salt_n_lime
I prefer undivided attention because I’m not a fan of math.
@EJGomez
[introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”