@shanethevein

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

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@bourgeoisalien

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

@Eden_Eats

SECURITY GUARD: You can’t bring outside food in here.

ME: This is a service burrito.

@psybermonkey

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

@tastefactory

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

@iAmDelFreaky

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

@amydillon

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

@christress

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

@Swishergirl24

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

@aaronnemo

I suck at video games. I mess up the character’s life like I have my own. I played Mario today and he ended up $60K in debt and had 4 DUIs.