@shanethevein

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

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@Jake_Vig

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

@kimtopher22

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

@BevisSimpson

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

@HenpeckedHal

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

@semple42

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

@gentilecoont

“Haha, Imagine Dragons. What a dumb band name.”

-Neutral Milk Hotel fans

@EJGomez

[introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”