One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
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Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am