Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

thank god the sign was there

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”

Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

Okay me first

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud