Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

‘I know a black person’

– White people

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

My dream job is getting paid to dream

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”