Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

checking out some reviews of my local library

I’m already scared

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*