Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?