Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

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I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.


No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in their coffee.


gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is


John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-



Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.


I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.


Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?


[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name


The lord giveth, and the lord slappeth that shit right out of your hands.


Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.