Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
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Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”