@Lisabug74

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

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@_steamy_mac

I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.

@iGreenMonk

No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in their coffee.

@ClichedOut

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

@EllaZee5

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

@ronnui_

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

@sliver_of

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

@DBMaxP

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

@gogglepossum

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

@livlivme_do

The lord giveth, and the lord slappeth that shit right out of your hands.

@WilliamAder

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.