“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
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I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
“i am a sweet baby”
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
How to properly lift a body
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby