Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?