“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
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Well. That’s not a good sign.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.