Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

It’s on my to-do list.

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.