Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way