Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
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*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
My therapist after every session
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..