Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
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COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I see your IQ test came back negative
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.