Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.