the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
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Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
What personal space?
My dog
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.