“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
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My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.