Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.