Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Two types of dogs.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Whoa… oh I see lol
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.