[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
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Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Trying
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.