[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
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Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Baking is just science you can eat.
My hips? Compulsive liars.