Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
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The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
wtf management?!
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.