i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
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Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.