Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.