Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
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No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
my mom making me talk to relatives
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You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
hey, alexa
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Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
stop
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My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide![]()