Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
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I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
