Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
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[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…