Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
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I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book