Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

The internet is full of many things

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

💀💀💀💀

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.