Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
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If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.