Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
You Might Also Like
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law, the other is a sick bird
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??