Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
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Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
are there any atheist mantises?
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Knock Knock
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.