Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
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No. YOU-buprofen.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”