Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
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Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.