DOOO EEEET
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There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.